ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
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Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
english majors be like furthermore
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets