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[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
So true for me
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
looks legit
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”