She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
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Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Liquor Store Parking
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.