911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
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When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping