Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
You Might Also Like
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
I am never leaving this website
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.