Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
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[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*