[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
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Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”