Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
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my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
How dramatic are you?
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.