genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
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Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Wait for it
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.