I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
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Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster