Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
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It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you