馃檨
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There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren鈥檛 being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn鈥檛鈥擨 don鈥檛 know anything about that
We can鈥檛 do civil war yet. I don鈥檛 have the right outfit.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn鈥檛 even like.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Jesus: I don鈥檛 wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
馃槀馃槀
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he鈥檚 my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word鈥tupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you鈥檒l never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
them: it鈥檚 carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD