“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
You Might Also Like
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you