We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
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Cool shirt 🙂
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.