Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
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i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
how to market bottled water to dads
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.