It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
You Might Also Like
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.