My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
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[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
IT’S-A ME,
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that