My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
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My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
scares
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles