[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
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taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes