girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
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I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
💯😂
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”