Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
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Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day