*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
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With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
you gotta be faster
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth