Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
You Might Also Like
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me: