Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
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Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
“Huge”.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born