Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
You Might Also Like
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
I thought this was funny lol
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-