Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
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She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
I don’t make the rules sorry
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Monday Lisa
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
this country is so goddamn polarized
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat