“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
You Might Also Like
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.