“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
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*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.