cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
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Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.