Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
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The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
the icebreaker
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
My Plans 2020
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
not for long
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened