t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
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Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
This is what makes twitter great
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did