Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
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My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.