what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
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Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]