my astrological sign is a french fry
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I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
“I’m helping” 😅
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Strangers have the best candy.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.