Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
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Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Just so funny
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Hell yeah 👍
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes