Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
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me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*