Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
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God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
I hate when that happens.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.