Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
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My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious