#Caturday
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[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.