Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
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doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.