*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
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I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.