my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
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Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.