*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
You Might Also Like
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples