[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
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“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me