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Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Just had my nails done!
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.