[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
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Probably my best painting.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks