Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
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“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”