Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
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Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
My whole life was a lie.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*