My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
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Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
at ease…shoulder.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.