*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
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promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
describing stardew valley
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
How animals would run if they were human
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Bike for sale
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
ibopfufen
I…do not understand how electricity works.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.